September was a month of pushing myself outside of my comfort zones and getting a lot of practice putting the growth mindset I’m always talking with my children and my students about into action for myself. And I’ve discovered that I don’t like a growth mindset.
Or rather, I don’t like the feeling I get when I’m in a position to practice a growth mindset, i.e., when I can’t do something well immediately upon trying it.
I’m noticing a pattern with myself. I get a new piano piece or a new song for voice class or a new monologue or scene for acting class or a new voiceover audition, and I experience a now-predictable series of emotions and thoughts.
First is terror that I have a thing to do that I don’t yet know how to do and, more than this, it’s a thing I can’t hide not knowing how to do because I have intentionally put myself in a situation where people are going to give me feedback about doing the thing.
Next is depression, which starts from the thought that I will never be able to do the thing, or at least never be able to do it well enough to be awesome and that doing it less-than-awesome in front of other people will just reveal that I’m a silly, middle-aged woman who’s tricked herself into thinking she has potential and talent and is actually just making a fool of herself and taking up people’s valuable time. What’s interesting about this one is that evolves with my age. It’s the same thought I’ve had since I was in junior high, only changing the age label as the years pass. Where did I get the idea that it was a bad thing to look silly or to try things one isn’t perfect at?
Next comes the distraction. I fill the time I could be using to practice that new song or monologue or to work on developing a character for that audition that’s due tomorrow with tasks that all of a sudden seem really, really important. This is when cleaning the oven hood or wiping the window blinds or working through my thousands of unread emails feels critical to address right now. It’s also the time when I think, “Maybe I should teach yoga again,” or “What would it take to become a park ranger?” and that initiates another hours-long stint on the internet looking up national parks jobs and digging through files to find my yoga teacher training certificate from 2004.
Finally, I start working on the thing I’m procrastinating, and I find that with a surprisingly small amount of effort, I can get to a passable level of skill, and that’s enough momentum to get me working to improve it and polish it and feel like I can show it to other people, and then I do, and it’s not bad at all, and I feel like a fricking superhero and start fantasizing about what I’ll do about the paparazzi who are going to start following me around within about six months because this is when my inevitable fame will really take off.
And then I get a new piano piece or song or monologue, and the cycle starts again.
If only I could figure out how to skip or shorten the “depression” and “distraction” steps (and maybe take out the paparazzi fantasy because I’m not sure that’s helping at all). But then, when else would I find the time to organize my bookshelves by the LOC system or post to my blog about what I read during the previous month?
September Completed Books:
My favorites from this bunch:
- System Collapse by Martha Wells (I wrote about my love for Murderbot in last month’s post, and that still stands.)
- Rebel Girl by Kathleen Hanna (Man, the 1990s were quite a time! Hanna’s autobiography gave me a sense of how the angst and the anger and the protest energy I felt then can evolve as I age. Hanna is a few years older than I am, so reading her book felt almost like talking with the elder sister that I don’t have.)
- Whale Fall by Elizabeth O’Connor (Waaay different than the other two favorites from this month, this is one of several meditative novels I’ve been reading lately. It’s uncomfortable to observe the characters and the difficult lessons they learn about the world and about themselves, but it’s also a comfort in a way. The writing is beautiful and evocative. I could smell the sea.)
Currently Reading:
- My Darling Girl by Jennifer McMahon
- The Push by Ashley Audrain
To-Read for October:
In addition to my StoryGraph, you can see my Litsy profile for status updates throughout the month and my Instagram (@ImperfectHappiness) for mostly not-book-related photos.
Imperfect Happiness 