Today’s posts on Gretchen Rubin‘s blog are, I think, convincing me more and more that my goal isn’t really happiness, per se.
The first post is, “Consider the Elephant, or, Why Thinking about a Rhinoceros Can Make You Happier.” Rubin writes, “I often battle the familiar happiness challenge of keeping myself from ruminating about something that has annoyed, angered, or upset me. Studies show that dwelling on irritating feelings and episodes amplifies their power in our minds — a real source of unhappiness. If I take a moment deliberately to distract myself from bad feelings, I help alleviate them.”
Finding techniques to keep oneself from dwelling on the annoyances of daily life seems like a reasonable goal, and one that is likely to decrease suffering. But I’m not sure “distracting myself from bad feelings” would be a long-term solution to unhappiness. My brain frequently gets stuck in a continuous loop replay of things that irritate me. I can sometimes distract myself with reading or exploring the internet or watching a show, but I often find that when I’m done with the distracting activity, the negative feeling is still there. I’ve not dealt with it in any meaningful way, I’ve just postponed the dealing with it.
There are a few more lasting ways I’ve found to derail my brain from its circuitous path. One is to focus on my breath. I just count my breaths and let the thoughts and feelings wash over me without allowing them to hook into me. Another is the new practice I have of checking in with what’s going on below my neck. Taking a moment to scan my body for physical sensations and emotions can help get the hamster in my head off of its little wheel (yes, I’m trying to fit as many metaphors in here as I can). Yet another is vigorous exercise. When something’s really bugging me, if I can get to the gym and crank up the treadmill, I find that after 20 or 30 minutes, I feel much more relaxed and can put things into perspective better.
I think that a simple distraction could help with my momentary mood, but that in order to have a positive effect on my overall happiness, it’s not enough to simply distract myself. I need to find a way to change my perspective enough that I can revisit the irritation and work through it in a calm manner. In this way, I can transform my irritation into an opportunity for spiritual growth (or so I hope).
The other post on Rubin’s blog today announces that Kristin Davis (from Sex and the City apparently. Never watched the show.) is going to star in the TV version of The Happiness Project. This does not help to get me excited about calling my project a “happiness project.” I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being petty (and petulant), but I feel like what I’m doing with my project is bigger (at least for me) than a TV show. I suppose on the positive side, this could bring the idea of changing one’s life to increase happiness to a wider audience (one that includes those that don’t go in for reading memoirs).
Wow. Yes, I’m definitely petulant. I think the word the youngsters use is “snarky.”
OK, so I’m going to stop thinking about and writing about this TV thing. I don’t like it, but there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just not my thing. It’s surprising to me just how alienated I feel. It’s like my understanding of Rubin’s book and her project—and even my own project—has been turned on its head.
I suppose this is the perfect opportunity to practice some of my techniques for dealing with irritating thoughts. I think this time I’ll ask myself, What does this news mean to me? What does it mean to my happiness project? What does it mean that I’m so irritated by it? Is it just that I’m poised to be irritated because I’ve been stewing about the fact that my daughter’s soccer coaches announced this afternoon that their end-of-season party tomorrow will be at McDonald’s?
This is like the mental equivalent of poking at a bruise. What’s up with me tonight?
Imperfect Happiness 