Everybody Stay Calm

Having my husband away is going to put all of my skills and good habits to the test.

I have a genetic predisposition towards worry that leaves me rather agitated when things change, especially when they change without my prompting. In these times, I can relate to the tigers in the zoo pacing and pacing and pacing, dreaming always of mauling some poor keeper during feeding time. Of course, my range has never been hundreds of square miles and it’s never been reduced to 100 square feet of carefully landscaped habitat (I’ve got more like 1400 square feet of rather haphazardly decorated house), but the anxiety the tigers exhibit looks like the way my anxiety feels, at any rate.

One big difference is that I can knit. Perhaps tigers could, too, if someone took the time to teach them, but I suspect their large claws and lack of thumbs would make it difficult for them.

When I become agitated, I start doing things. Luckily, I had this unfinished hat I’d started knitting a while back as a Christmas gift for a friend. I started out just crocheting the keyhole scarf, but there was still a ridiculous amount of yarn left in the ball I had bought, so I looked about for a fun little hat to go with the scarf. Thanks to ravelry.com, I didn’t have to look very far before I found a great little pattern for a knit Wilted Warlock Hat, designed by Kelly McClure. The darned yarn I had was easier to knit with than to crochet with, but I’m a fair amount slower at knitting than I am at crocheting, so the hat took a while to complete. The kids let me finish it up this morning with minimal interruption.

But back to doing things. I like to keep busy when I’m anxious. It’s not, by and large, a focussed busyness, but rather a jumping about, little-of-this, little-of-that kind of busyness. Before the kids, I would rent horror movies and eat frozen pizza when my husband was gone, then sleep with the lights on because I’d scared myself too badly with the movies. Once while my husband was gone, I bought a Christmas tree and ornaments and garland and lights and decorated the apartment. Another time I researched how to make (but never made) a slip cover for our thrift-store sleeper sofa.

But now I have two small creatures who live with me and depend upon me for things like attention and sustenance and who don’t seem to have much patience for a mommy who’s decided that she wants to organize the crayons or mop under the fridge or learn how to fold a furoshiki and re-wrap all of the Christmas presents in fabric. This time around, instead of planning elaborate meals and trying to keep the house clean or enforce bedtimes, I’m going to try to be chill. I’m going to try out the optimism thing, buy some easy-to-prepare meals, and just try to spend the next three days having fun with my kids.

It could happen.

I’ve got a massage scheduled for this afternoon (excellent timing, it turns out) and then I’ll head to the grocery store for frozen pizza and…well, I think that’s all I’m going to get. Or maybe I’ll get stuff to make homemade pizzas with ready-made crust. The rest of the meals, we can eat scrambled eggs and frozen peas. My daughter’s got a play date tomorrow. Maybe I’ll take them to the children’s museum one day. The thought crossed my mind that I could take them to Temple Square to see the lights, but I think that’s a little overly ambitious to tackle sans spouse. Maybe we’ll bundle up and drive around to see the lights on the houses of people more ambitious than we are about decorating.

And I’ll try not to think too much about how I’d like to spend the day with Earl Grey and John Adams and a bar of chocolate. Because I’m pretty sure my kids aren’t down with that kind of plan. Hot cocoa and a stack of picture books could work. Hot cocoa in sippy cups. If I go to bed at about the same time they do, I might have a prayer of getting enough sleep to function the next day. This sleep plan could even allow me to have a brief tryst with Earl Grey in the dark hour before my children’s pre-dawn waking.

The key, I’m fairly certain, will be breathing. Lots of breathing.

And maybe dressing up my blender.