An Open Letter to My Cats

Dreaming of throwing up on the brand-new toy room rug.

Dear Maurice and Owen,

I trust this letter finds you well. I know that the recent move has been a bit of an adjustment, but you seem to be growing accustomed to your new surroundings. I’ve noticed that you, in fact, quite enjoy watching the neighborhood wildlife from the screened porch. I’m happy that’s worked out so well for you. I enjoy that room, too.

You might have noticed that our new home has a lot less carpeting than our former residences. As a matter of fact, we only have four rugs here, the toy room rug, the rug that runs along the hallway and down the stairs, and two small kitchen rugs. Aside from that, it’s all hardwood, tile, and linoleum/laminate/other synthetic-type floor materials.

Which leads me to wonder: why, with all of these hard floors, must you always throw up on the rugs?

I understand that your method of cleaning yourselves causes an accumulation of fur in your digestive tract, which leads to the yarking up of hairballs. I accept this, and as a cat owner I expect to clean up yark. But with as little floor surface as we have covered, it really takes some effort to vomit on a rug. I just don’t understand why, when you’re feeling a little queasy, you would go out of your way to find a rug on which to disgorge.

I was thinking that, maybe next time you feel the need to eruct, you might consider spewing on a non-carpeted surface? It would be easier clean-up for me and less travel time for you. Plus you get the added benefit of watching us contort ourselves when we’re still bleary-eyed from sleep and we don’t notice the yuck on the floor until we’ve stepped barefoot in it and find ourselves sliding across the floor. Doesn’t that level of entertainment make it worth it to yark on a non-carpeted surface?

So please just consider this little change. The humans who share your home would be so grateful if you would.

If, in your pondering, you start to think that perhaps you could stop vomiting on the rugs only if you stopped using the litter boxes, please disregard this request. There are worse things to find on the rugs than vomit.