Still no new news about my aunt. Which in itself is something of a relief since there’s only one piece of news we’re expecting.
She’s in the hospital receiving “Comfort Care.” She’s not lucid, although it’s not clear to us if that’s from the condition of her body or from the large amounts of painkillers she’s on. We’re waiting and then feeling bad when we think about what we’re waiting for.
She’s forty-nine years old, the seventh of eight children and the youngest of the six girls in the family. We estimate that things may have started as long ago as ten years when she first found the lumps in her breast. She said they were cysts. But given that she’s not had medical insurance in years because she and my uncle own their own business and can’t afford it, we suspect now that this was an incorrect self-diagnosis and that the disease has just been progressing and spreading since then.
I wonder how often doctors today get to witness the results of a disease like breast cancer running its course with no treatment whatsoever. When she entered the hospital last night, they were surprised that she was still alive, given her condition.
I find that I’m taking a lot of comfort in my children. Their cuteness and their cuddles help a lot. Both have been extra sensitive today, crying more readily than usual. I wonder how much of this is their reaction to my pent-up and confused emotions.
I’m still waiting to figure out how to feel.
I feel like I’m in a kind of limbo-world, a realm no longer under the protection of ignorance but not yet in the place where the story is done and the narrative can be written.
Imperfect Happiness 
my dad’s tumor was growing for 8 years before they realized it. The type of cancer he had was only diagnosable in stage 4 (though there are symptoms that CAUSE it which can be caught and stopped so as to stop the tumor from forming). The surgery to remove said tumor has a mortality lifespan of 5 years. If it had been caught” right away” would I have been without my dad 4 years prior? Would it have saved his life? or would 5 years still have been his limit? Answers we’ll never know. . . so we have to just love the people we have while we have them. Thinking of you and your family, such difficult news and such a young life!
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I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt, Charity. I will be thinking about you and your family.
I definitely agree that the kids are responding to your emotions. I know mine do, S in particular.
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Thank you, Abigail. I’m just now getting to responding to people’s warm comments and support, but it’s been so nice to know so many people are thinking of me.
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The kids are absolutely responding to your feelings, expressed or not. It’s a comfort and an irritation at the same time. You guys are so tuned into each other that there’s no way to hide. I have one child who really misbehaves when I’m feeling down or sad or confused or frustrated. The other gives me lots and lots of random hugs, pats, and attention. By doing these things, both are looking for reassurance that I’m OK and that life as they know it will go on.
The situation with your aunt sounds similar to what we just went through with my MIL, who died in Sept of late-stage cancer that was previously undiscovered. There’s nothing anyone can say to make it better, but I do offer you my empathy and support.
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Thank you, Karen. I appreciate your thoughts and empathy.
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