Suspicious of Happiness

This morning I went about my normal routine (such as it is with two kids), and somewhere in the middle of cleaning up breakfast, I noticed that I was feeling happy. First I thought, “Wow! This is nice!” But after a few moments of being aware of my happiness, I noticed that under the happiness was the suspicion that by being happy I am inviting Bad Things to happen. There is an undercurrent of fear and suspicion and also the sense that, by feeling fearful, I’m protecting myself from Bad Things happening. Kind of like touching wood only perhaps more neurotic. Logically, I know this doesn’t make sense, but since when are emotions logical?

Where does this come from? Is it genetic or is it a learned response? Am I destined to keep feeling this fear underneath my happiness, or is there a way I can un-learn this reaction? Or maybe this fear is there to keep me from becoming complacent in my happiness, and maybe I don’t want to do away with it? What would happen if I had happiness without fear?

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